Pain in the Ass
by kakashidiot
Summary: COMPLETED! Kakashi stabs himself.... and everyone wants to look. Extreme silliness and nosebleeds! REVIEW!
1. How It All Began

**Well... As a breather between my two larger Naruto stories (I've just put up a couple chapters of the sequel, _Revelation of the Wolf_), I rested by writing basically idiotic silliness.**

**Anyway, this is dedicated to my bro, Davey, who has left the large family nest for, presumably, a better life.**

**Don't blame me for the resulting mess... It's all his fault... He put me up to it... It was ALL his idea...**

**REVIEW but don't BOMB me!**

Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….

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Pain In The Ass

**In Which the Reader Learns How It All Began, Beginning with Genma and Raido**

To place your spinning kunai into your pouch with one swift motion is a hard learnt thing. It involves time and in some cases can be a real…. Pain in the ass…. Literally.

As Kakashi found out.

Stifling a groan, Kakashi heard a tearing sound and felt a stab of pain across his buttocks. He fell forward onto his knees, clasping his butt, feeling a slight trickle of blood.

"What's the matter Kakashi?" asked Raido as Kakashi hissed through his teeth.

"I stabbed myself."

"You what?"

"I stabbed myself."

"Let me see."

"…………………."

"Wait a sec." Raido murmured. "I'll need a second opinion."

Raido disappeared.

He came back with Genma.

"Ch. So I hear the stupid bastards sliced himself up."

Genma looked interested.

Kakashi tried to stand up but couldn't.

It hurt too much.

He bit back a moan.

Genma squirmed.

"Here…. Let me see…. Oh my gosh!"

"What? What's wrong?" asked Kakashi worried.

Genma coughed.

"Well…. Umm…. Your pants are in the way… so…."

Kakashi looked suspiciously at the senbon-sucking Jounin.

"What ARE you trying to say?"

Genma gazed down longingly.

Kakashi tried to roll over.

But it still hurt too much.

"Awwww….. It hurts! Raido! Do something! Go fetch somebody useful! Not your boy toy."

"Who are you calling a boy toy?" asked Genma, wiping away the excess blood, pulling back the pants for a better….. view. He nearly died choking on his senbon.

"He hurts!" said Raido. "I'm hurting."

Trying to look Innocent, he sat down and folded his hands on his… lap….

"Ermmm…."

Genma and Raido sighed.


	2. Gai, Ebisu, Iruka

Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….

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Pain In The Ass

**In Which Gai Makes Things Worse, Ebisu is Affected and Iruka Is….**

"What are you doing to my eternal rival? Kakashi! Can it be true that you have been bested by Genma and Raido?"

It was Gai.

The worst person in the world.

"Kakashi! Is it possible that you are losing the flame of youth this quickly? Don't tell me that you can be beaten by the likes of them?"

Kakashi was concentrating too hard on getting up to listen.

"Ehhh… what did you say?"

"Aughhhhhhhh! You're still hip and cool even if you're lying on the ground showing your ass off! Why can't I be hip and cool?"

"Who's showing his ass off?" asked Ebisu, frowning as he passed by with Iruka. "Gaaawwwww! Indecent behaviour in public!"

"Kakashi! How dare you behave like that!" Iruka looked closer and paused. For a long time. "Uh…. Wait… are you okay?"

"Does it look like I'm okay?" Kakashi had pulled himself onto all fours.

Genma and Raido have massive…… nosebleeds.

Ebisu frowned, "I'm reporting this!" He disappeared.

Iruka bent over and wrinkled his brow.

"This looks bad! I'll go get some bandages."

Gai nodded. "I'LL go get them. With my speed, this emergency will soon be fixed."

Iruka was left standing there, left to look at Kakashi's luscious bottom.

He turned aside as he felt a massive tsunami of all nosebleeds come on.


	3. Kunoichi, Team 7

Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….

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Pain In The Ass

**In Which the Kunoichi of Konoha Arrive as Does the Rest of Team 7**

"What's the matter, Iruka?" asked the kunoichi of Konoha, who were passing by on a girl talk walk.

It's Anko, Kurenai, Sakura, Hinata, Tenten, Ino and Shizune.

Catching sight of Kakashi's ass, everyone except for Sakura and Shizune fainted.

Sakura wailed, "Kakashi-sensei, are you okay?"

Inner Sakura screamed, "WHAT THE HELL SENSEI ARE YOU DOING – EXPOSING YOUR ASS LIKE THAT!"

Shizune looked down.

She gulped.

"Ummmm…. I'll go get the Hokage. I'll be gone for just a sec."

Sakura tried to wait but there was no good reason for her to look at her sensei's butt, Iruka told her to leave.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because, girls like you should live PG-rated lives."

"Eh?"

"Never mind…. Just go…. Oh wait! There's Naruto and Sasuke."

"Damn," Kakashi grunted.

Sasuke and Naruto ran over as soon as they caught sight of Kakashi lying on the ground.

"What happened to sensei?" asked Naruto, very clueless. "What's wrong with Genma and Raido-san?"

"Baka!" Sakura said, catching sight of the massive….. nosebleeds. "Let's go before anybody else gets more perverted over his butt."

Iruka blushed thinking about 8 different things he'd like to do with Kakashi's butt.

Sasuke tilted his head away and shut his eyes.

"Baka! Embarassing me like this."

"Eh! Eh! Our stupid sensei stabbed him self! Ahahahahaha!" Naruto gasped.

"He did NOT! Stop disrespecting our sensei! Kakashi-sensei! Tell him he's wrong!"

"………………………."

Sakura fainted.

Sasuke dragged her away while Naruto disappeared off into the horizon, yelling that he has to tell Shikamaru and Kiba.


	4. Sannins and Asumo

Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….

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Pain In The Ass

**In Which the Sannins Come to the Rescue as Does Asumo**

Shizune arrives with Tsunade and Jiraiya.

"I heard that the genius got himself into another shitty piece of trouble again," the blonde Hokage smirked. "What a dumb ninja!'

Jiraiya laughed. "Who would've thought Yellow Flash's student would be so clutsy! If he can't handle his knife – how could he possibly handle a girl?"

"BAKA!" screamed Tsunade, whacking the sannin on the head.

Asumo passed by, and, catching sight of a swirly-eyed Kurenai, yelled, "Kurenai! Help! Kurenai! Wake up!"

"Asumo likes Kurenai?" asked Tsunade, puzzled. "Since when?"

Asumo blushed and, posing as if he hadn't lost control, said, "Hmph… well…. Uh… always help a lady in distress…. Speaking of which," he changed the subject. "What's going on here?"

"Kakashi sliced his ass up."

"What? Is he suicidal?"

"No, no, no."

"No, no, no, no."

"Nope."

"Not at all!"

Iruka, Shizune, Tsunade and Jiraiya shook their heads.

"Yesssss…." Hissed Kakashi, wishing he could die – at least it would stop his embarrassment.

"Gosh! Look at those buns of steel!" Asumo said, looking really up close.

Tsunade HAD to look too.

Shizune, as an assistant, always HAD to learn new things. She leaned forward as well.

Both women reeled away, clutching their nosebleeds.

"Tsunade! What's wrong?"

'Tsunade-sama!"

"O-o-okay! Just…. Um…. Got some bad allergies…."

"Please, Hokage-sama! I need help here!" Kakashi once again tried to get up and failed. If only he could get back to his apartment and his first aid kit.


	5. The Gennins!

**Kaki-kun: Great minds think alike... well... fools seldom differ... you pick...**

**encyser, ScarredScarface, MissxRae: don't kill yourself! I'm glad you enjoy!**

**READERS! Don't take this too seriously! But still review! It's good to hear good things!**

**WARNING: VERY, VERY WEIRD and PERVY!**

**Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….**

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**Pain In The Ass**

**In Which the Newly-Arrived Genins Learn a Lot about ….. Nosebleeds and Gai with Rock Lee Returns with Aid**

The ground shook as Naruto returned with a whole bunch of his fellow Genins.

Kiba. Shikamaru. Shino. Neji. Chouji.

Naruto went over to Jiraiya and started to talk about jutsus.

Shikamaru, using his huuuuge forehead, sized up the situation pretty quickly. He sighed.

"Geez. This is so troublesome – what a pain in the butt!"

"Hahahaha! Good one, Shikamaru!"

Akamaru yipped.

Kakashi jumped.

"Get that damned animal away from me."

Neji fainted at the idea of licking Kakashi's……….

Chouji choked on his chips, Shikamaru thumped him on the back.

"What's that?" asked Kiba, pointing at Genma's….nosebleed.

"Ignorance, as Confucius said, is bliss," Shino murmured cryptically.

"That's not Confucius!" Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

Shino shrugged and, activating his small bug camera, took a few well-placed photos and disappeared soon after to develop them.

Kiba was confused.

Shikamaru shook his head in understanding.

"What?" asked Kiba.

"Boy," Jiraiya shook his head. "There're some things in life that can not be understood."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto nodded, "I remember that weird kid who looked cuter than Sakura – the ninja who attacked Tazuna-san. That I didn't understand."

Shikamaru nodded.

"Some people like it straight, some like it queer and some swing both ways."

"Eh? Eh?" asked Naruto. "Explain it to me, so that I understand!"

"Naw. It's too troublesome."

He made a mental note to visit Shino later that evening….. Shino's private hobby – scrapbooking – was a great way to spend a night.

Chouji stared at the Jounin's butt as Tsunade attempted, once more, to look it over.

"I wonder what he tastes like," he murmured.

Shikamaru disappeared with a groan as Chouji sighed, "I wonder if Naruto's sensei likes fat guys…. Ino says I'll never be attractive to girls…. So………."

Gai ran onto the scene followed by Rock Lee, who was bearing two tons of bandages.

"YOUTH POWER!" yelled Gai. "Come on, Lee! Let's see who can bandage him the best!"

"YOSH!" Rock Lee saluted and began to advance on the helpless Kakashi.


	6. Ibiki Breaks

**WARNING: All TYPES of SEXUAL URGES!**

**Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….**

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**Pain In The Ass**

**In Which Tsunade Starts to Get the Move On, Everybody Falls to the Power of ….Nosebleeds and Ibiki Succumbs**

"STOP!" Tsunade waved them back. "I have to heal it first!"

Placing a hand over the flesh wound, she blushed red and tried to focus her chakra into her hand. Her face went red as she (legitimately) groped up the white-haired hottie.

Kakashi gasped. "That hurts…."

Tsunade focused some more, and started to really heal the Jounin. After all, if Kakashi died of tetanus or something, Konoha would be losing a great warrior – screw it – Konoha would be losing a sex god.

Kakashi sighed with relief as the wound slowly began to close.

Everybody who had been unconscious woke up just in time to hear Kakashi's husky voice say with a soft groan, "Ahhhh… that feels sooooo good!"

Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!

Immediately everybody fainted again.

Ibiki, carrying an important message from Sand for the Hokage, appeared in a cloud and nearly fainted (but of course he would never fully succumb to a massive…….nosebleed, since he was an elite Jounin, known for his imperviousness to all sorts of ……torture).

All he could see was Tsunade leaning over Kakashi, her hands fully groping up the Jounin's bared bottom.

Visions of Kakashi. Visions of Tsunade. Visions of Kakashi AND Tsunade floated through the interrogator's head.

"Hokage-sama! Is everything all right?"

"Does it look alright!" snapped Kakashi, as Tsunade paused for a moment in her healing to look over the scroll.

"Don't worry, Kakashi," Ibiki whispered, "Your secret will always be safe with me."

"What secret?" asked Kakashi, growling. "EVERYBODY knows what happened!"

Ibiki paused.

"You're right…. Well…." His gaze drifted down the torso of the Jounin.

All of his life, watching Kakashi work as ANBU and as Jounin, he had known Kakashi to be a well-built shinobi…. But this……

"What're you staring at?" asked Kakashi, a dangerous gleam in his eye.

Ibiki coughed and shut his eyes – but it didn't work….

"What are you thinking about?" asked Jiraiya, noticing another….. nosebleed coming on.

"Handcuffs…." Murmured Ibiki, cryptically.

THUMP!

He too collapsed.


	7. Two Boys and their Teachers

**Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….**

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**Pain In The Ass**

Gai shook his head.

"What weaklings these people are! Well, Kakashi! Let me warn you! Your Naked Butt no Jutsu will NOT work on me! You must learn this too, Rock Lee…. Rock Lee? Lee? Lee? Are you okay?"

Rock Lee had passed out. All his life he had dreamed of Gai but Kakashi-sensei's butt was just too muscled and creamy to resist.

Gai turned to the remaining sane shinobi, Iruka's back was turned, his shoulders shaking.

_The poor boy_, Gai thought, _seeing all of this perversion must be too much for the innocent Iruka-sensei! I should go comfort him…._

Just as he was about to reach the brown-haired shinobi, Iruka shot back, whacking him hard in the chest with his head as he reeled back with a large nosebleed.

"Grrrr!" Gai shouted, shaking his fist at Kakashi. "Kakashi-sensei look what you have done to poor Iruka-sensei! I can never forgive you!"

"I did nothing!" yelled Kakashi, once again trying to rise to his feet as he spotted something odd approaching.

A naked woman with chestnut brown hair walked over to Kakashi. Kakashi gulped as the girl leaned forward to look him in the eye.

"AUGGGGHHHHHH!" Ebisu materialized out of nowhere. "KONOHAMARU! STOP that PERVERSION at once!"

Naruto laughed.

"Konohamaru! That's awesome! The best one yet!"

Jiraiya leered.

Konohamaru canceled the jutsu, returning to his original form. He paused.

"Eh? Eh? What's going on here?"

Ebisu dragged him away by his scarf, scolding as he went.

"No, no! Konohamaru-sama! There's no way ungentlemanly behaviour is going to happen in front of you! You will never become Hokage if you behave in such a perverted manner!"

"I am NOT perverted!" Kakashi growled. "Don't classify me with these idiots!"

Jiraiya frowned.

Tsunade, finishing the scroll, turned to Ibiki, only to find him prostrate on the ground with the rest.

"Man! It looks like a battlefield here!" Jiraiya sighed.

"Eheheh! Our ultimate weapon against Orochimiru!" Gai laughed.


	8. Enemy's Downfall

**CONCLUSION: An orgy of a fanfic to end all orgies of fanfics...**

**Well... for those diehard fanclubs (of which - in my more saner moments - I am a part of), I am sorry for this prolonged idiocy... but Evil Nanny-chan made me do it... and so, within twenty minutes, the evil deed was done!**

**And I am sure you guess can see that by the crap-quality.**

**Don't own Naruto…. Probably a good thing too….**

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**Pain In The Ass**

**In Which the Enemies Are Overpowered and Kakashi Makes a Resolution**

From afar, to one side stood Itachi and Kisame and to the other side, stood Orochimaru and Kabuto.

"Oh boy!" Itachi said. "I never knew Kakashi-sama had other attractive attributes. A Sharingan. A thousand jutsus. Hot white hair. Cool mask. AND a muscled…. Body…. I need to pay him another visit."

Kisame didn't hear him. He was having a massive…. Nosebleed, too.

Itachi shrugged.

"What we missed last time in our meeting, we will make up for next time. Hehehee!"

Orochimaru and Kabuto watched interested as Tsunade laid hands on Kakashi and began to finish her work.

"I didn't know that Konoha was into massive orgies," Orochamaru licked his lips sensuously. "Things have been changing I see, since the old geezer died."

Kabuto sighed.

Orochimaru gave him a sideways look.

Tsunade backed away, giving the two Sound-nins a perfect view of a perfectly healed, muscled, Jounin rear.

Orochimaru fell off the wall, splotching it with his massive….. nosebleed.

Kabuto didn't even flinch.

"I wish I could get my hands on him," he sighed. He stopped, pulled out a card and looked at it for a second.

_Aburame Shino. Hobbies: Photography…. Hmm….. I've heard about him…… and his….. photographs….I think a little visit is needed…. Kakashi….._

Kabuto nursed his nosebleed quietly and daydreamed about grey-haired men.

_We would fit together! Why did I leave Konoha?_

Kakashi got up, finally finding his feet, and as the haze of pain disappeared, looked around. Everybody was still struggling to consciousness…. From their nosebleeds.

He turned around, looking puzzled.

THUMP!

Turning around again, he saw Tsunade collapse again.

"What the heck is wrong with these people?"

"Hey! You're mooning people, sensei!" yelled Naruto. "Your Naked Butt no Jutsu is so powerful – even more powerful than mine! But just you wait! I'm going to create an even more powerful perverted jutsu than that!"

Kakashi rolled his eyes.

_These people are crazed. _

Clasping his sliced pants together, Kakashi backed away, sweat dropping.

_Next time I practice, I'm going to practice in private. Geez! I didn't know that kunai practice could be such a…. pain in the butt!_

**THE END!**


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